Funny how the world can come full stop.
Last night before bed I had a message from a colleague saying the Smithsonian may be interested in publishing a book I’m working on. I was sitting in the living room by the fire in my plaid pyjama pants when the message came in. The Smithsonian? Are they serious? I sat very still lest any movement disturb the good tidings. Such a dream.
Just before bed, I sent a message off to the woman who understands me best. She has a nearly identical personality, only she’s 30 years older. 30 years wiser and softer. I had to tell her, for she’s the one who’s been cheering me on since that first day I messaged her two years ago from Venice: ‘I’m afraid. Scared senseless.’ She had messaged back words that not only gave me courage, they challenged the way I approached life.
You MUST re-route your thinking about yourself…it will never help you and may, indeed make others uncomfortable unless you hide it…people will feel like they need to take care of you if it shows…sooooo DON’T think that [you are stupid and dumb]..say STOP in your head when it comes up…I know what I am talking about because I did not think I was as good as other people for my whole young life and I made bad decisions about life, etc., because I did not think I was worthy. It took years for me to rethink myself and realize that I was just as good as anyone else. My choices now are based on equality…mine and other peoples…I really hope you can get there for real…inside your own head.
There was no pity, but the love, understanding, and challenge to change the way I see myself were tangible tools that I was able to pick up and use. Now, two years later, I am reaping the benefits of self empowerment.
This morning she emailed me back:
Yay for Smithsonian. Brava! I can’t read the message because I’m very ill in the hospital, but I love you, dear.
I lie in my bed and sobbed. Suddenly all the lights had gone out. Who cares about a published book with a prestigious institution when one of the most loving forces in your life is lying in a hospital bed half a planet away, and you didn’t know it? I sobbed because of how little I suddenly cared about the book. Because of how frivolous it seemed. Because of how much I love her.
She will not read this post. But if she did, she would tell me:
Brava for loving people more than accomplishments. But my dear, please keep flying! All the world is yours. Fly like a bird and write your book! I’m here watching, clapping for as long as I can.
She always said, “After all, I am just an egg.” If you know what she means by that, I hope you will share your thoughts.
Prayers for my angel.